she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
