God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
