Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
