...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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