She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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