i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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