Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
