Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
