I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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