i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
