When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
