is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Mom said you looked used
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
