when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
