it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
