Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
