also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
