If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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