I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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