see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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