Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
