I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
