you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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