You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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