You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
