There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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