I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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