I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
