he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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