If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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