so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
