Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
