i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So vagazzling was a success
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
