I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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