He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
