just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
