I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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