i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
