I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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