260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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