then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
