who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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