Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
