Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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