did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
