Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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