I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
