Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
