i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
