Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
