Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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